36 years old

Justin would have turned 36 years old on August 13, 2011 but it was not to be. The day was another day without Justin. He is gone. Now I know the proper thing to say to make everyone feel comfortable is that "he is with us in spirit and always in our hearts."

However, he is not on the other end of my cell phone when I have a new funny joke to tell him or a story I want to tell him. He is not here to offer his advice. His birthday was another reminder of this, and "this" is real. Justin is dead.

He will not be there to cut the umbilical cord when Stephanie has their baby. There is no anger or bitterness but rather just reality. I miss him everyday and love and cherish all the memories and good times I was fortunate to have with him. I feel no shame or guilt in stating what may be uncomfortable to read but I would rather man up and state reality. He is gone and it sucks, it really does suck and that is ok and I feel no need to sugar coat this or say something to make myself feel better about it.

I can't imagine what it would be like to have him gone and to have had unfinished business or bad blood. Instead because of his great ability to be present and involved in my life, it was  and is all good. I can find celebration in that.

Happy Birthday Bro. Thank you for being my best friend and brother and being involved in my life and present in my life while you were living.

Like the lyrics say by Arcade Fire:

If I could have it back
All the time that we wasted
I'd only waste it again
If I could have it back
You know I would love to waste it again
Waste it again and again and again